What To Do ... What To Do ... Merry Christmas, Will Ya?

   You'd think that the Christmas season would be a wonderfully uncomplicated time of year, but that's not usually the case.  The holidays are fraught with recurring dilemmas for which there are no easy solutions.  Here are some:

   (1)  Knowing how not to burn the house down, (I think a number of you lucked out last year).   Use your head; water the tree often, and don't overload the electrical outlets!

   (2)  Deciding on which gift card to give to sweet young Isadore, your camel-smoking, coffee-drinking, Goth-wearing nephew -- the one you wish would join the army, (or at the very least read a book or wash his hair once in a while).

   (3)  Coming up with a convincing, left-handed compliment to give to Uncle Sid regarding that increasingly-grotesque outdoor lighting display, (of which he is so proud).

   (4)  Figuring out how many things you can buy for yourself -- but then pass off as thoughtful presents for your unsuspecting spouse.  (Examples:  Giving a diamond-studded corkscrew to your "tee-totaller" husband, or a $10 Denny's gift certificate to your anorexic/vegan wife.)

   But the most perplexing issue is what to do about those,    "Our Family: This Year in Review" summaries which all-too-many people enclose in their cards.

          "On his way back from Stockholm, where he was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics, Herman, our oldest, stopped off in Paris to redesign the lighting system for the Eiffel Tower, (pro-bono, of course).  And, Diana, who used to be "the runt" of the family litter, is now a statuesque 5'10".  And since she is no longer working for "The Clintons", she's decided to accept that job offer from Donna Karan.  And Christmas came early in August when "Tabatha", our registered Abyssinian, delivered a litter of ten which we sold for $600 each".

   Meanwhile, we recipients of this chronology are left stymied.  Should we acknowledge these glorious achievements, or should we line the birdcage floor with the parchment and forget we ever read it?  Us "Ordinary Joes",  -- we who measure whether or not our year was a success in terms of the number of "comfortable" bowel movements we managed to achieve, (100 is a good benchmark), are left in a quandry.  What to do ... What to do?

   So anyway, Happy Holidays to all -- except to you, Izzy.  You should get a haircut and a job,  you miserable little snip!
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Note:  "Merry Christmas, Will Ya", is what Harris said to Wojo on "Barney...".